Check Chemo Off of the List!

I am now officially done with the chemo portion of my treatment plan! Applause please! (kidding) My hair should start to grow back in about 2 months. At least I will have built-in AC for the summer, no shaving, no frizzy hair to deal with in the lovely New England humidity either! All bonuses and perks of a job well done...


Back in January, my surgeon made a comparison of my treatment plan to the high school experience. He said that the surgery was like freshman year. Getting used to a new "school" (he meant the world of cancer), pretty easy, goes by quick, etc. Agreed. Chemo was sophomore year. Usually a pretty hard year all around - tough schedule, not the new kid anymore, a growing up year. Yup. Junior year is radiation. Not so bad anymore. Just getting through it until senior year begins, thinking about the future. Senior year is the fun and easier year. Yes, this is the time where reconstruction will take place. I'll spend this senior year getting ready for the road that comes after "high school" (and cancer treatment).

That road that I will find myself on is a little scary for me right now. I have mixed feelings about being through with chemo. Yes, I am thrilled not to have to go and get so much bloodwork, IVs, and medicine that can wear you down. I am not thrilled with the idea that there will be no more medicine flowing through my body targeting any stray cancer cells that might be there. That's the problem with this disease. It's microscopic. No one can tell me for sure that there isn't one rebel cell out there hiding in an ally waiting for it's opportunity. There most likely isn't any bad guys lurking around but the possibility does exist and scares me to think. I have a lot of things in my favor like being Stage 1, no lymph node involvement, the small tumor size, etc. But the bottom line is that there are no guarantees.

Radiation will tackle any cells that the surgery and chemo may have left behind in my right breast. So I will still be actively doing something to treat this disease. That makes me feel good. I also think I have all (or most) of my babysitting figured out for the 5 day a week treatment that begins July 9th and goes until August 17th. (If there is anyone out there that can be "on call," please let me know!!) Big stress of that task is now gone (for now).

After this treatment course, I will begin looking for a survivorship support group or some equivalent so I can see how other people in my situation are handling the uncertainties of the future without letting it consume their lives. Right now, cancer is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing before sleep takes over - with many more thoughts running through my mind during the day. Hopefully, this will lessen and more pleasant things will take over.

My hair will grow back, the dark circles under my eyes should improve once my anemia subsides, my energy level should return to normal (maybe awhile after radiation is over - a common side effect), and my boobs will be symmetrical once again :) when all of this is over. Essentially, I will look normal. I don't think I will ever feel 100% normal again though. This whole journey has changed me in ways that is truly difficult to put into words. In some ways, I am a better person because of all of this. I appreciate what I have much more and am enjoying the everyday things life has to offer. In other ways it has made me more uncertain and afraid of the future. Hopefully these feeling will also get pushed to a place in my mind where I visit less frequently. Time will tell...