As my one year anniversary approaches...

January 8th will mark the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. As this date approaches, I cannot definitively say exactly how I feel about it. I am conflicted. I heard a story somewhere about a woman who compared the date of her diagnosis to her own personal September 11th. Of course the magnitude of that day cannot be directly related to one person's struggles but on that day the country lost something...just like I did on January 8th. Innocence was lost. The feeling of security was something you didn't have to think about on a daily basis. You just felt it. You assumed some sense of invincibility. At 28 did I really have to have this life altering, helath crisis???

January 8th is the day my sense of security and innocence was taken from me by cancer. Cancer, no matter if it's in its early stages or incurable, causes you to live a life full of doubt, what ifs and uncertainties. I play the what if game in my head all the time. What if I didn't get up that night when I felt the lump to feed Collin? What if Collin was never born? Would I have found it? What kind of outcome would there have been if it was found later? What would happen to my family if this was all worse and I wasn't here? I wasn't due for my annual physical until July that year and I wasn't doing regular exams on myself. These thoughts have come to me less than in the beginning but they are still powerful.

The thought of cancer - and the seriousness of it - doesn't consume my every waking moment anymore thankfully. I am still scared and anxious about all of it...mostly about how uncertain life can be. I am glad that I don't wake up and go to bed thinking about it. I am able to think of it for the most part as a bump in the road. And let me tell you it better remain that way.

Here's to the year ahead....health and happiness to all!!!